Sofox Central
The machinations of fate dictate what is on this page...
The machinations of fate dictate what is on this page...
Based on Half-Life 2: Episode 1, so it might be hard to get if you're not familiar with it, especially since it's very dated. Spoiler warning for pretty much the entire game.
Start ep 1
Recording of Breen: You've destroyed so much, what have you created? Granted this is an FPS and your interaction with the world is largely limited to running jumping and using a wide variety of destructive weaponry. But you should have at least done something.
Freeman. Well... err... I did stack a bunch of items on top of eachother like a pyramid.
Breen- Really?
Freeman- Yeah, physics in this game is cool. But then I blew it up with a grenade, you know, just to see the bits fly about.
Breen- *Silence*
Freeman- Well excuse me for not playing Civilisation.
Breen- You know, you could have at least gone for some cop out excuse, like say, you created hope, or you created resistance, or created inspiration for the oppressed masses.
Freeman- Wait, what about those teleporters? I sorta created those, you know, by making sure the people who made them didn't die, and, erm, putting that plug back in.
Breen: Weak Gordon, very weak.
Freeman- How are you responding to this anyway, you're meant to be a recording.
Breen - *silence*
Announcer: And now we return to the top of the citatel with the explosion already in progress, though very slowly.
Alyx: *slowly reacts*
Vorgs: Here we are to ensure Alyx dosn't get instantly killed in this explosion. Ha, bet you've all been in suspense about whether she'd survive.
Gamer: Well, we did see the previews and advance screenshots so we did know Alyx would somehow still be ali...
Vorgs: Just shut up.
Alyx: Hey what's going on.
Vorgs: Well, we could explain, but it would be much easier to save you and wipe your memory afterwards.
Gman: *appears* Here I am
Vorgs: *stops G-Man* G-Man, you got pwned.
Freeman: Ha ha, now you know what it feels like. Wait, does this mean you won't be mysteriously walking around anymore. And what are you anyway?
Gman: *provides absolutely no answers.... as usual.*
Freeman: Dear gosh, you're more irritating then that cigarette smoking guy on the X-Files who's name I forget.
Alyx: I'm hugging you!
Freeman: I... can't... move...
Freeman: Well, we haven't all been annihilated by a Citadel explosion which is helpful I have to say, that dark, turbulent, twisting sky doesn't reassure me much that that won't happen.
Vance *over transmitter*: You're right, even with a direct insertion, that Citadel is going to explode in 6 hours.
Freeman: Hey, that's the estimated play time of this game.
Vance: Right.
Freeman: Wait, does this mean that if I leave the computer with the game running and me not doing anything for hours on end that the Citadel will eventually blow up and kill us?
Vance: No.
Freeman: Huh, sorta takes out the suspense doesn't it?
(Later, in the van)
Freeman: I find it disturbing that none of us are wearing seatbelts here.
Alyx: Well it is a short trip.
Freeman: That's never a good excuse, and besides it's ACROSS A FREAKING CANYON!
*Car is thrown, floor collapses*
Freeman: Weee, I love this ride.
*Car stops*
Freeman: can we go again?
Alyx: Wow, Freeman, those look like new enemies, and they've got lazers.
Freeman: Wait, I think I saw those at the end of the last game. Anyway, it'll be great to battle them, Valve would never be so sadistic as to show us this cool new enemy and yet never give us a chance to truly go head to head with them.
Alyx: Enough of that, Freeman go down and get some conveniently supplied rollermines.
Freeman: Wow, there's a rollermine delivery tube with a switch for delivering them and everything. Weird, I never saw these things at time when it wasn't vital to have a rollermine to progress through the game.
Alyx: Okay we're at the core, we need you to do a direct insertion.
Freeman: You know, the potential for jokes at that...
Alyx: *sigh* It's always the quiet ones who are the most perverted.
Freeman: Well anyway, I have no clue what a direct insertion is or how the heck you even begin to perform one, but I guess I'll just continue on and figure it out as I go. I am supposed to be a scientist afterall.
Alyx: I know another reason why they want this place to detonate, they want to use it to send a packet of information to the combine. Fortunately, I got us a copy.
Freeman: You couldn't have, like, deleted the original while you were there or anything?
Alyx: C'mon, lets get moving.
Alyx: We'll take a train.
Freeman: Weee, I love trains.
*on train*
Alyx: Look at this Gordon, we're going through a sequence to remind you again how sick and evil these aliens and combine are and why its a very good thing you are killing them.
Freeman: You know, why do these games always show the enemy in such an evil light, how come they are never shown just going about daily business, or helping eachother, or just talking normally or just doing stuff that doesn't rigidly connect them with this evil stereotype of evil, mass destruction.
Alyx: This is an FPS, do you want to feel empathy towards all those people you're killing?
Freeman: Combine and aliens = evil, combine and aliens = evil
Alyx: There you go.
Alyx: Anyway, we're on a train so this should take up safely out of the city.
Freeman: Okay, it can't be as simple as that, that would mean the game is over after at least one chapter, and I'm sure I saw at least two other when I started the new game.
Alyx: Alright, but at least act surprised when the train blows up.
Freeman: Boy, take a few brief, tunnel/car park level design elements from the first game and expand them into an entire underground chapter, genius. Just the sort of imaginative, escapist new environments we want to immerse ourselves in Valve! Effing car parks!
Alyx: Hmmm, shooting all these Zombies seems a bit easy, if only there was some contrived and seriously irritating trick that could be used to increase the difficulty.
*lights go out*
Alyx: There we go.
Alyx: Boy, a zombie combine, call it, a Zombine. Get it, get it, huh? huh?
Freeman: I have weapons, yet am not killing you, I wonder why.
Alyx: *points a green exit sign* Look, an exit.
*both go up two flights of stairs and reach an upper floor with the stairs ending an no further way up*
Freeman: What sort of an car park has an exit sign right next to a flight of stairs that dosn't even reach the ground floor?
*Freeman bolts car over hole stopping the Antalions*
Freeman: Wait a sec, that actually made sense. Is it possible Valve made a puzzle that worked purely through a logical progression of the scenario without any pointless contrivances?
Alyx: C'mon Freeman, with the Antlions dealt with, you can now turn that very slowly moving crank raises the shutter yet will drop it the second you stop moving it, will only stop if it reaches the very top and incidentally has no clear way of closing it or opening it from the other side.
Freeman: Never mind.
Freeman: Well, after interesting car, hole, Antalion puzzle, I wonder what's next.
Alyx: Doing the exact same puzzle over and over again?
Freeman: You know in the first game I got to direct missile strikes, THAT was problem solving.
Freeman: Travelling miles underground, despite being in a car park that's meant by it's very nature to have many ways for people AND CARS to get in and out.
Alyx: Look, a rusty old lift in surprisingly good condition, lets get out of here.
Freeman: Because leaving by stairs isn't climatic enough. If a lift is the only way out of here then this place is breaching some pretty serious fire laws.
*Zombie attacks*
Freeman: Speaking of fire...
Alyx: Look out, the Combine are rappelling down from the roofs of those building.
Freeman: Why were they on the roof in the first place, and why are they rappelling down in plain view when the roof was a far more defendable position?
Alyx: Because it's cool?
Freeman: You know, the grunts in the first game rapelled from hovering Ospreys, THAT was cool.
Alyx: We're in a hospital.
Freeman: We are?
Alyx: Yeah, there should be a few more random props to give that impression up ahead
Freeman: I don't get it. Normally, when a gunship appears, there's some semblance of gameplay or varied terrain to take advantage of. But this gunship just keeps peeping up, shooting through this elongated, high up window along the wall of this corridor, and ducking down again, giving a pretty unsatisfactory gaming experience. Why is Valve doing this?
Alyx: Your computer isn't powerful enough for High Dynamic Range lighting is it?
Freeman: No why do you...oh!
Rebels: We need you to escort us to the train.
Freeman: Right let's all go and...
Soldiers: No, only five at a time.
Rebels: Don't tell me this is more of Valve's new gameplay philosophy of "come up with gameplay concept, repeat over and over until gamers are bashing their heads against keyboards"
Soldiers: Well you'll only be repeating this a few times. And the first time there won't even be any enemies.
Rebels: Oh joy.
Freeman: (to rebels) Let me ask this, if you all die, do I pay ANY consequence?
Alyx: Gordon, turn that nonsensical crank again so I can get through.
Freeman: Oh no strider.
*Strider shoots, hitting crank*
Freeman: Damn Heat Ray.
Alyx: Heat Ray?
Freeman: Sorry, the H.G. Wells inspiration was becoming a little too apparent for me to differentiate there.
Freeman: Great, so no way forward, can't go back, and cornered by a Strider. How am I going to get out of this one.
*Strider deliberately blasts opening in container.
Freeman: Well that was convenient, thank you strider.
*runs*
Freeman: So, dealing with a strider in a run down railway station, what to do? I guess I should just follow the deliberately placed route all the way to the top of this structure, until I eventually find an arbitrarily placed crate of infinite rocket ammo.
Alyx: We're escaping.
Freeman, wow, for what seemed to be a massive city from the Citadel, we seem to have left City 17 pretty fast by train. I mean what, 30 seconds and we leave its boundaries?
Alyx: What do you expect? These levels can only extend for a maximum 4km.
Alyx: Look out, explosion is encompassing us in a climactic and suspenseful end that was just like the last game.
Freeman: If you survive this time, I'm not going to be suprised, just to let you know.
Alyx: I'm touched.
Freeman: Oh, and if I have to go around collecting weapons again from scratch in the next game, I am going to kill someone.
Alyx: Before you collect the weapons or...?
Freeman: Oh shut up...